How to make sober dating a pleasurable experience
When society tells you it’s boring, I’m here to change that narrative
I have been sober for over a year (14 months but who’s counting), and it is one of the most gratifying and soul changing journeys I have ever embarked on ever in my life. I will admit, not every day of the experience has been sunshine and daisies; but I’ve learned a lot about myself and the immense growth I am capable of. Through my journey of sobriety I also learned about commitment, discipline, and self-care — as in my non-sober days I wasn’t carrying around a lot of those three components in my life.
When I started my quest for sobriety in January 2020, I was equally nervous and excited to start the process of reconditioning myself after years of binge drinking. On top of navigating a vast new territory of my alcohol-free life, I was also navigating the idea of dating and pursuing relationships without alcohol — as alcohol, for many years, was my first companion when it came to intimacy. I drank as a way to accelerate myself past all the awkward bits of initiating sex with someone. I drank to feel sexy, flirty, charismatic, and seductive. I drank to be the social, life of the party. I drank because it was easy.
But then it was beyond moments of intimacy that the drinking was ruining my life. I was getting myself into really sticky situations when imbibing too much and too often. Consent was often out of the question. I felt incredibly insecure with myself and often very unsafe when spending intimate moments with others while under the influence. But for me, most of my dating experience ramped up during my drinking days… so I had to completely relearn everything I knew. This wasn’t just a task for regaining confidence. This was a task for securing my safety as much as possible. I knew in my life, intimacy and alcohol could no longer mix.
Now over a year later, I’m pleased to share that it is possible to have fantastic sex, go on mind expanding dates, and meet fascinating folks while not using alcohol. And not only is it possible, it’s extremely fun. :) I
Just like anything in the phases of sobriety, it is a little bit of work. But that doesn’t make it impossible nor unattainable. If fact, the trial and errors are part of the fun!
I’ve heard from many friends and peers concerns around sober dating — whether you’re the sober one or you’re pursuing someone else who is. It’s tricky territory to navigate! As a sober person, you may have stricter boundaries around the type of person you date or where you meet for a date (think about how many first dates start at a bar!). If you’re not-sober but going on a date or pursuing someone who is, you may be afraid to do or say something that offends the other person. It’s totally fair to be nervous in the many scenarios that come with alcohol-free dating. But don’t fear, I’m here to help!
I want to reiterate how FUN and FREEING and SEXY dating can be, especially when you’re sober. So here is a guide for you to think about some of the components of alcohol-free dating. I’ve broken the next section into a few chunks: if you’re the sober one; if you’re not sober; and tips for everyone.
If you’re the sober one:
- Don’t panic! Yeah I know it’s easier said then done. I also know it doesn’t help hearing someone scream at you “DON’T PANIC!” to try and make you calm your nerves. First of all, I’m not screaming at you. Secondly, I want you to realize how special of a journey you are working through right now. You are choosing to pursue others in a very intimate, strange, and vulnerable way. Allow yourself to be nervous. Allow yourself to be afraid/anxious/etc. But also encourage yourself to be hopeful and excited.
- Work on how you frame the process of navigating sober intimacy. Reframes are a powerful way to reconstruct your perspective of a situation. An example of a reframe goes as the following. Original thought: It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to meet someone while dating sober. New Thought: Although dating is a long haul challenge, I really look forward to putting myself out there, learning new things about myself, and potentially meeting a fantastic partner (or partners) to explore and share myself with!
- Hype yourself up with different types of rituals. For all of my drinking years I prepared for social outings, including dates, by getting progressively drunker while I did my make up and got dressed up. Also known as pregaming. Except as I got deeper and deeper into my alcoholism, my drinks got stronger and my anxiety skyrocket, which also caused my drinks to get even stronger. Instead of drinking now, my pre-date rituals include: blasting my favorite tunes, crafting a fun mocktail, doing a meditation, and getting all dolled up with hair and make up. Think about the rituals you already do and how you can make them fele extra special while also helping to calm your nerves.
- Surrender to the process. If you’re anything like me, alcohol was also a helpful tool to help squash the inner-perfectionist and control freak. So without alcohol “mellowing” you out, you might find yourself hyper-fixating on details or trying to control every single part of the process. Surrender to the flow of life. Allow yourself to be surprised. Take chances with how you approach the experience. Allow this to be an exercise in trust — both with yourself and with new folks as you continue along.
If you’re pursuing someone who is sober (and you are an alcohol consumer):
- Keep yourself open. I do not speak for everyone, but in my personal experience, I had no issues dating folks who were not sober. So if you still drink alcohol and meet someone who abstains, understand there are other ways to explore compatibility. Allow yourself to be surprised by the experience and understand, ideally, there are so many other things to bond on in life other than booze and being drunk.
- Consider being alcohol free on the date. At the end of the day it’s your decision on whether you drink or not, but it could be a really good idea to allow yourself to be at the same level as your date. You may find out later they have no issue being around others who drink, but I think it’s a respectful way to get to know the person you’re going on a date before making assumptions about their comfort level.
- Don’t treat your sober date like an alien. It can already feel very anxiety provoking for a sober person to put themselves out there in the dating pool, as you know it can be awkward for everyone! Making someone feel like they’re “not normal” for drinking alcohol isn’t going to provide for an inclusive and open experience. Also bubble wrapping your sober date probably won’t make them feel very excited to see you again either. As mentioned above, be considerate of their preferences and needs, but you are also here to be on the date. Allow yourself to open up and be as free as you would be with any other date.
FOR EVERYONE:
Tips while you’re actually dating:
- Find NA friendly venues. If you’re comfortable going to a bar, research bars that are either dedicated to serving alcohol-free drinks or ones that are highly accommodating/have a nice selection on their menu. I live in Chicago and have found a lot of places that have really fun NA drinks and even carry non-alcholic spirits like Seedlip.
- Switch up your first date. You can mix it up by doing activities like: mini golf, a concert, a walk around the lake/park, a cooking class, cooking at home together, art class, painting at home, etc. This is your opportunity to be creative and intentional. Allow yourself to also explore different date scenarios by heightening different types of sensations.
- Allow yourself to be surprised by your experiences. Date different types of people. Try different types of apps. Expand your horizons of pleasure. Try not to get too caught up in perfecting every single detail. Allow yourself to be fully present and embrace the possibility of uncertainty.
- Discuss consent always. This should be the case regardless but I always want to reiterate the importance of consent in any and all relationship dynamics. Safety and trust are key and these may take some time to develop. All parties involved should be aware of each others concerns, preferences, and needs to make the experiences as pleasurable and safe as possible.
Sober Intimacy is pure magic — holy hell do I LOVE having sexy while sober. I love kissing and snuggling and shagging without a drip of alcohol in me. It allows me to feel myself fully for who I am, while folding myself into another person. I allow my sexual fantasies to help me cope with my sobriety anxiety. Before my alcohol-free days I started to dip my toes into the world of BDSM. Now I allow myself to immerse it into different kinks and activities (BTW it’s WAYYYY safer to play with ropes while you’re sober). And I get to focus on how I feel in the present moment instead of nearly blacking myself out by the time I was ready to do some dirty stuff.
Don’t get caught up in the awkwardness — sex takes time to “master”… especially with new partners. This is also the case for non-sober people, but I feel sometimes the awkwardness is extra amplified when you don’t have a glass (or three) of wine to calm your nerves down. But by being present in that awkwardness, you are building more awareness around your needs and desires. You are learning to cope with all types of situations and engagements. And on the other side of the awkwardness is the opportunity to have fun and be deeply intimate with other individuals.
Sober or not — part of intimacy and relationship building can also feel boring. It takes patience to be with yourself and whomever you are pursuing (or being pursued by) — but the patience allows room to grow, to heal, and to breathe as you navigate new dynamics in your life. Allow this journey to be an opportunity to cultivate more joy, abundance, and care in your life.
At the end of the day you create your own joy.
Sober dating can feel like a completely foreign experience. I hope this article helped shed some light on the sexy and not-so-sexy parts of alcohol-free intimacy. And as always, I am rooting you on where ever you are in the journey!
